In Defence of the Single Life
Sunday, March 28, 2010 at 6:57PM 
by stephend9I want to see a romance movie where the couple parts amicably at the end, returning to singledom without regret, knowing that the time they spent together was valuable without having to result in marriage.
Despite the fact that a growing portion of our population is unmarried, and virtually no relationships actually last until death, we continue to frame marriage as an essential and inevitable component of everyone's life. Our culture claims marriage as the only desirable conclusion to any romance; to the point that many people would say that if you can't see yourself marrying someone, you have no business even dating them.
The unmarried are pitied as unfortunate lost souls, yet to find "the one". In popular culture anyone who doesn't actively seek out marriage is inferred to have something wrong with them. They're loners, they're socially inept, they're afraid of commitment, they're emotionally damaged, or otherwise psychologically injured. Even when conceding that marriage is difficult and often doesn't work out as planned, movies always end up making the argument that it's still better than the unmarried alternative.
There are no allowances made for people who just don't see the benefit of maintaining an aspirationally continuous monogamous relationship for eternity. Even the mountains of evidence showing that monogamy and continuity are very rarely attainable in practice doesn't seem to shake the fantasy that marriage is the only way to go. There is little tolerance for the idea that you may prefer a multitude of less-intense, close relationships, to a single hail-mary attempt at emotional and sexual monogamy.
And any claim that you just don't see yourself getting married is met with a condescending assertion that you just "haven't met the right person yet". Because you can't possibly chose to live outside of marriage forever.
by This Year's LoveThe more I think about it, the more I realize that the problem is a result of a false dichotomy. That being one where the alternatives are a supportive and blissful, if occasionally trying marriage with a big family with a plethora of coupled friends; or a solitary existence where you have no social interaction, no close relationships, and you eventually die alone in a ditch somewhere with a fridge full of condiments.
The single option is always framed as being flawed in some way. Lacking either intimacy, support, or stability. Ignoring the fact that you can easily get intimacy and support outside of marriage, and that from a risk-analysis standpoint, locking yourself into one person gives you a single point of failure in terms of stability.
Even the term "single" is defined in opposition to marriage, rather than an end onto itself, and implies a solitary existence. Which is ironic because some of the most solitary people I know are married or in monogamous long term relationships. It's often single people who are most active in seeking new experiences, new friends, and new relationships.
So I'd like to see a movie where the main character is unattached because it fits their personality, not because they have a personality flaw. A movie in praise of the independence, freedom, selective solitude, and diverse friendships that come with not having to compromise or validate every decision. A movie where the person comes out of an experience more certain of their lifestyle, not less. Because as time goes by the idea that I "just need to find the right person" becomes less and less true in my experience. It's not that I can't find someone that I fit with, it's that I find tons of them and I don't see upside to choosing one to the exclusion of all others. Why have only one great person in my life when I can have many.
by xmasonsI'm not saying that marriage is a bad idea at all. Obviously it works for many people, but there are a lot of other ways to run your life. You don't have to agree with me, but I'd like to be able to say that without being perceived as attacking marriage. I don't want my vocalized preference for an unmarried lifestyle met with either the condescension of "you haven't met the one", or the sort of "if you're not with us, you're against us" mentality I sometimes get.
I resent the fact that the way I've chosen to live my life is seen by many as a symptom of poor psychological health. As with other minority opinions, I don't want everyone else to be like me, I just want to be respected for what I am instead of being ridiculed for not moving with the herd.
Rant, eric hacke, in defence of the single life, marriage, monogamy, relationships in Rant 
Reader Comments (9)
I want to see a romance movie where the couple parts amicably at the end, returning to singledom without regret, knowing that the time they spent together was valuable without having to result in marriage.
It's called Annie Hall. I think I made you watch it?
Anyway, nice post. A big "hear ye!" from me. I am especially curious in that graph you posted.
But it's not just marriage, in my opinion, but relationships. I used to think I was a defect if I was single. I'm glad I don't feel that way now.
Boo, it didn't like my HTML :(
Fixed your HTML. Have to use lower case 'i'.
"It's not that I can't find someone that I fit with, it's that I find tons of them and I don't see upside to choosing one to the exclusion of all others. Why have only one great person in my life when I can have many."
It seems to me that you're also putting yourself in the dichotomous frame here.. why can't you be in a long-term relationship with one person AND also see other past friends/girlfriends? Why are these mutually exclusive?
Yeah I cut the part where I described in detail why I prefer a less attached lifestyle much of the time. But the gist is that it's just much less complicated. Don't have to deal with other people's expectations, compromise your own plans, or ask permission.
I can, and have, dated people while maintaining an active social life. It's just much harder, and requires a fair bit of careful time management, as well as an understanding partner.
So if I can get most of the benefits with fewer of the costs, it seems like a winning recipe to me.
What if these ever so valued girls in your life have partners of their own though? Isn't this winning recipe resting on the assumption that they're equally single, equally available and not in 'complicated long-term relationships'? Sounds like a model that works in your 20s or in your own Eric-Land where everyone follows your lead, i'm not saying it couldn't happen... Eric-Land... with no copyrights and vegetarian options for all!
Ok Joey, I started to reply and then my comment ballooned out to two pages. You always manage to provoke me into verbosity. I will respond in post-form this weekend. Hopefully.
The gist is, I'm going to found Eric-Land.
Or Ericstan... now that has a ring to it
Please, AmERICa.
BAM